christmas and other such things.

i like christmas, not because of presents or commercialism, they just annoy me.

i like the coming together of families, the sense of giving without caring about what you're getting in return. i like the feeling of love.

almost every year my whole family, and there are alot of us, get together for a xmas meal. it happen the sunday just gone. and like every year i loved it. one year all of us rented out a skittle alley+alcohol+good company=best meal ever.

this year we had new additions. since my grandad died, our family that was once disconnected by arguements long long forgotten, is slowly coming together. this year our uncle joined us. who is hilarious when drunk. he was barred. which is very funny. 

i got to speak to my older brother, who after my younger brother, i feel closest too, plus. i like his girlfriend, if we werent related, we could be friends. i saw my uncle who told me to do what i want to do, and if need be, 'to tell people 'fuck you'' 

 

i didn't ask for much this year, i think i got my fair share of presents years ago when i got this laptop. (granted it was a joint birthday present) but still. its cost alot. and this year i didnt really want alot. i mean yeah a car wluld be nie, but i know my parents havent got a lot of money. cheers recession. so i asked for a book, t-shirt, bracelet and perfume. i got the book x)

what i wasnt suspecting was my present. at first i thought it was an xbox, my brother was getting one and they looked similar in box like shape. but it wasnt. it was something ive wanted for a really really long time, and completely forgot about when my mum asked me what i wanted.

it was a record player.

a really really nice one. it looks sweet.

i love it.

and for once i was completely surprised. as usually i scour the house looking for presents with scissors and tape en sue. and for once i was pleasantly surprised. i dont like them you see, if you get surprised with something disappointing, ( and yes i know its the thought that count but it can still be disappointing. ) its hard to hide that face showing it. 

im looking forward to next year. i hope its better then the past one. (my year starts in november/december time) because my last year was the best i have had. by far. 

i hope things get better for me and everyone i love.

merry christmas everybody.

x

personal statements

Alot of people at my school are getting real worked up about personal statements and applying to uni's. Not doing it on time and what not, finding it hard to write. Seems to me that if you're really passionate about something the words would come easily. They should just flow. Kinda glad I don't have to worry about this for another year tho. Because aside form all that, I have no idea what i want to do. I got 3 options. English, Film and Law.

I simply adore English and everything to do with it, but recently i've been thinking that it's becoming repetitive and mundane. I don't really need English if i did want to be a journalist or w.e. i could work my way up, but then i'd like to be a teacher.

I've always been interested in law. i dont know why, but i just seem to get it. and i think it would be pretty awesome to be a lawyer.

But film. I have completely fallen in love with at college. I adore it, and i used to want to be like,m a tech person, and now i want to do that even more. I'm looking into film schools atm, and it seems amazing.

So who knows what im gonna be doing. Luckily i got a year to decide.

I got a shit load of work to do for half-term tho. Maybe i shouldn't be writing on here...

idk

i don't like it when you cry.

and you don't have a reason.

but you have this look about you.

that suggests i should know.

i wish i could make you better.

and not feel so alone.

i fear i am inadequate to do so.

it hurts when you're sad.

because there is always the chance it is because of me.

and i can't change the past.

e-mails.

On the plus side.

My film teacher has e-mailed me. A few times.

And just, hmm, idk.

I really hope this isn't just me thinking this is something more, i mean i know he's a teacher and all, but he's really not that much older then me, like 5 years most. 

Maybe I am infatuated cause i just have mental problems.

Maybe I should have carried on taking my tablets, but you see i don't want to be dependant on tablets and shit, i just think i need counselling. Maybe i should get this sorted out.

I'm starting to go through the daydreams now, and I'm seriously dreading half term in 2 weeks. 

I really need to sort myself out. 

The only bad thing about it is he is my teacher. If he wasnt, he'd just be some guy, well not some guy, but not this forbidden love kinda thing.  Not that it is love, just saying. It would all be nice and dandy, if say he was a student and what not. It just so happens he is a teacher. 

WHY IS HE MY TEACHER. WHY WHY WHY?!

ahh ramble, but why? I mean he is really really cute. Like not necessary hot, just cute, but idk. And he has brown eyes, i'm a sucker for brown eyes. I have never liked someone, with a few tv exceptions without brown eyes. And he has nice hair, and he likes films, and he's in a band but doesn't want to sign to a label cause he likes teaching, and i want to be a teacher. And we both moved out at 16. And he compliments me, every time i see him. I mean teachers don't usually compliment students on t-shirts/hair colour/laugh do they? My laugh for godsake! I snort when i laugh, but he says he loves my laugh. And said he was thinking of films to lend me the the other night. Do you know what that means? HE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME AT NIGHT. WHEN IM NOT EVEN THERE!

Fuck my life. 

And i'm meant to be in love with my bf whos not. But i mean, we have serious issues atm, and I have no idea what is going to happen, i mean maybe this whole crush thing is just me putting my emotions on to an actual person who i see more regularly. You know? Maybe that's just it, cause things right now are bad and i get complimented rather then told i make someone suicidal. I'm human so maybe i just like the attention. 

Why can't things in my life ever run smoothly.

sidney. xxx

today was my grandfathers funeral.

i wish i knew him more, i wish i knew him when he was younger.

today, despite the tears, was an awe-inspiring. 

today, in church, as they closed the curtain. we started to sing 'my way' by frank sinatra. 

as you may have noticed, i quoted that song before.

so there we are, me, my dad, my cousin, my aunt and my nan. singing along to that song as it plays.

it was heartbreaking. but in a good way.

it filled my chest with pride for being part of this family, sadness at the loss, and hope in so much, it is so unexplainable. 

In that moment of bleakness. despair. i was smiling.

my grandfathers name is not sidney, that is his middle name, something i did not know. i did not know he liked frank sinatra either, i did not know he liked photography. there are so many things i never found out.

i hope i dont make this mistake with anyone again. 

this is the poem from the funeral.

Remember me when I am gone away.
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand.
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me: you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had.
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than you should remember and be sad.

heart strings.

do you ever get that feeling when you really miss someone, and it physically hurts in your chest?

well i have that right now but im not sure if its because of the bf...or my film teacher.

im dead serious.

this is not cool, i dont know what to do, cause i mean, nothing could seriously come from my feelings with my film teacher. its just not going to happen. at least not in the real world. 

im pretty frustrated atm

i was meant to be seeing the bf tonight, i had it planned a week ago and now hes with his friends.

im not actually surprised.

i shall phone him now.....

eeks.

Soooo.

Things are good then bad. 

College is awesome, i'm acing everything (:

Things with the le bf, or w.e he is, idk, they are getting there. Somethings went down badly, and just yeah, hopefully thats all sorted now.

I'm annoyed cause some girl owes me money from like 4 months ago when she really needed it, but now when i need it, she STILL cant give it back to me.

Last week my grandad had a heart attack, was in hospital and on wednesday evening he passed.

His funeral is tomorrow. 

Stuff with work is shit, cause they were really inconsiderate about me having time off for the funeral, and saying it was an inconvenience. well sorry. im sure he didnt plan it. fuck sake.

erm so i guess the main new thing is that i am actually completely infatuated with my film teacher.

and i'll be honest. i don't think it's 100% unrequited, but then that could just be wishful thinking.

Reasons it is not unrequited.

1. He repeatedly says im cool.

2. He says he likes my hair. this has also been repeated.

3. We talk about stuff like that he was in a band, and stuff non associated with school

4. When we were talking about videos and such, he forgot and then said i should email him or send a message on facebook with the links. AND then messaged me back like straight away, once again saying i was cool. WITH A SMILEY FACE

5. He says i am good at film. To other teachers i dont even have.

6. He said he will take me to the secret smoking area. FOR TEACHERS.

Reason it is unrequited.

1. He is my film teacher and i am his student. 

2. hmmmm

This is very bad, like really bad, cause even if he wasnt my teacher, id still like him, i get butterflies for godsake. like REAL bad. right now as a matter of fact.

:'(

what do i doooo..

ANYWAYS im sure this will pass.

hopefully.

Dont know what to do with myself right now. i have no work to do. sam i guess is still asleep.

we were meant to go to the cinema and then last night saying he has a free house and we should maybe watch a film there. but i really wanted to go out, act normal for once, and i am so sure if we stay in, his friends will come round and start smoking and im just sick of it now. 

well i better be off out now i wanna get some hair dye and possibly something for the funeral.

isabella. x

Ode to Film Teacher

oh film teacher.

i find myself thinking of reasons to talk to you.

is this all in my head?

probably.

i am, after all, infatuated.

stupid stupid stupid.

some new things.

hellllooo.

I have been away for a long time, just been avoiding the computer i guess, except for ebay and play.com and other retail outlets. Which i'm beginning to think is a problem, considering i spent £45 on 2 tops from river island today. i mean they are nice and all, like real nice, i just usually wouldn't be so frivolous with my spending. 

So i guess the biggest news would be that i'm at college. after months and times of arguing the bf. said he wanted me to go, because well, long story short, i am now clinically depressed and tried to kill myself. Not so good. And technically speaking, he's not my bf, cause he broke up with me. But well, it still feels like he is and its complicated but basically i have to just be a better person and sort shit out. 

Even though i know it is not 100% my fault, alot of it. I don't want to lose him and he made a huge like. gamble i guess by letting me go to college, and that sounds weird probably, that he let me go, but i wouldn't have gone if he didn't want me to.  I'm just really happy he did. 

Because i do love it. I just love learning i really do. 

Have nothing else really to mention. I'm just kinda bored. Procrastinating. Felt bad i hadn't written.

Toodles.

Regrets.

I've had few.

But then again, too few too mention.

I'm sat drinking hot chocolate right now, which is odd, cause i don't really like it, and i think the only reason i drink it so rarely is to reaffirm the fact i don't like it.

I've had a weird day. I actually went to college. Like after all the drama and shit about me going i went in today. And the whole time i felt guilty as sin for doing so. All because i didn't ask him if he would mind.

Doesn't really feel right, that i should feel guilty does it?
I mean, all i did was go pick up a bus pass. But still. Guilty.

I tried to talk to him about it yesterday and he said we'd talk about it today. We never did.
He's with his friends. I'm not surprised anymore, i just wish i didn't feel sad about it.

So thinking about this, made me think of things i actually want to do in life, like, to me, i don't want a career, or like a career that is more important then say, a family. So to me, a job is a way to pay for other things. But anyways, i'd like to travel. I've always wanted to travel and just see the world for what it is. I want to go to China and Japan. I love their histories. Ancient histories. The tales and battles that were fought, i don't know how to describe it, i guess it's...passion? A raw passion for no reason really. I'd like to visit Thailand, someone told me about it and i've wanted to go ever since, see all the escape tunnels and things. I'd LOVE to go to America, maybe i watch too much tv but i want to live there. Or Canada. Those are the main places i want to visit. I'd like to go on a road trip too, around europe.

I'd like to learn to sign as well, as in sign language, i remember at my first first school, we had like 4 deaf people, and for the hymns we would do the signs for them. So i'd like to learn that again. I'd like to speak fluent spanish and italian. However the latter will be harder to achieve, unless i find classes. I would like to learn chinese, i don't think this is a realistic option though. They pretty much have 2 languages, one for speaking one for reading.

I'd like to take a mechanics course, i'm not sure why but i'd love to be able to fix my own car. I'd like to be published. In a newspaper or magazine. Anything.

I think, the thing i would like to achieve most out of life however, is a family, but this has now become a dream, something that i have come to believe will not happen.
I wanted so many kids, at least 3, and to just raise them good, have someone i love, and who loves me to raise them with me. I have his person who i saw this with. And now, after the thing's he has said to me, I no longer want  children. I do not believe I deserve them, and i'm starting to think i can't have them, even if i did for all the terrible things i have done.

So. Maybe now, i will do everything else i dream of doing, just to keep myself busy until this idea of children leaves my head. It's a hopeless task.

And more, much more than this,

I did it my way.

breathing is the hardest thing to do.

I'm so sad and alone right now, i have no idea why, just this huge wave hit me, so i phoned him up and wanted to talk to him, and he told me to ring him later, so i said ok. Then i phoned him again and just blurted out that i wanted to talk to him, right now, that i just felt so lonely, and suddenly i was crying. He told me to come round, that he'd get his friends to leave. Cause you see, he won't hang around with me AND his friends. For whatever reason. So for a brief second i thought i'd see him, but then i remembered his nature. I know it's not gonna happen, he won't call me back. And if he does? Then i'll tell him how surprised i am. So now, after my outburst, after not crying for a few days, cause everything feels numb. It hit's me that nothing's going to change. But yet i still wait around for him, i still make the effort. I'm just hurting myself really.

So in other news, my dad moved abroad today, it's some investment job. I won't see him 'til christmas. I'm kinda sad, but then, things with my dad have never been great, so at the same time its this huge relief i guess. One of the last things he said was that he swears on my brothers life that he doesn't care about me. Maybe that will gave you some idea on how we are. hmm.

I had a kinda half day dream half sleep dream today in the car, I won the lottery. Now i'm not someone that does the lottery nor believe in it, so it was kinda a weird surprise to be thinking about it. But anyways, i won like 7.2 million pounds. I can't be bothered to go into detail but i ended up in new york city in autumn waiting at the airport, waiting for him. Kinda sad now i think about it, that i'm daydreaming about waiting for him. I really am pathetic, no wonder he doesn't call.

Posse avere tu?

My mind is in a weird place. I feel so odd, so detached from myself. Like i'm looking into my own life. I'm feeling less emotions, partly through conscious choice because i do not want to feel pain anymore. And also i think, subconsciously, as a means of survival. Because if i continued feeling so much hurt and pain i could kill myself, I already feel as if i'm on a path of self-destruction. Never content, so i cause chaos in my life. I injure myself to actually feel something other the this sadness. It gives me something to concentrate on.

I'm quite self loathing. I attack my hands, the one thing i feel content with, because they feel useful to me and i attack them, i cut them, i burn them. I have so many scars on my hands and knuckles.

I feel pathetic, but at the same time disconnected. It's so weird. To have these feelings and yet at the same time feel..like i'm floating that these are nothing, just flecks of dust. It is why i am feeling so odd.

He said we could probably go to the cinema tomorrow night. I don't even know why, and then he seems annoyed with me for working. And i cannot help but think 'fuck you'. I invited him out and he choses not to. I would love to see him tomorrow night. I have had the last 2 days off and you chose to see me when i'm working? I say so many times that i can't be bothered but i still try. Is this what true love is? Never giving up for no other reason then love. I hate love. And i'm just a hopeless romantic who can't help be in it.

And none for Gretchen Wieners.

So I just watched Mean Girls again for like the 30th time. And it just got be thinking about beauty. Or what is perceived as beautiful. Take for instance, Lindsey Lohan. I think she looks amazing in that movie and why? Cause when shes dancing to jingle bell rock in the outfit, her shirt lifts up and you can see, to be frank, a bit of a belly. A bit. Not a flat stomach, a small belly. It looks sexy. She has curves in this movie but for some reason, she started losing weight, i have no idea why. But she doesn't look good. No girl looks good when you can see bones protruding out at odd angles.

Magazines like Teen Vogue make me laugh about how they had articles about anorexia, but look at the images of girls they show. Stick thin models. How are young impressionable girls meant to feel when they see these images, pretty much in any womens/girls magazine. That this is normal? This is beauty? It's quite sickening really.

In victorian times if you were large it was a sign of wealth. Big hips were a sign of child bearing. If you were skinny you were too poor. And now it's the opposite. If someone is overweight, most newspapers will say the cause of this is cheap junk food and poor education about diet.

But you'll find that there is no law making fruit and vegetables free to all schools, or gym memberships made compulsory to obese people seeking medical help. Instead surgery is used. I think it's called a gastric bypass, where they make your intestines or stomach smaller, so you can't eat as much. Some people get liposuction. These methods are just final straws really. The last resort. When really, we should be preventing this in the first place.

I'm not saying being over-weight and ugly are the same. But there is a line between being naturally large and being unhealthy. If that makes sense. Let's say Marilyn Monroe. She was a size 16 and deemed one of the most beautiful women ever, and she was probably healthy.

I guess i'm trying to say is, what is beauty? I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That ridiculously skinny girls that obviously aren't naturally that skinny need to stop obsessing over there weight and just be happy, eat what they like, in moderation. That the media needs to stop obsessing over looks, headling likes so and so is out wearing something stupid? Who cares why they were wearing whatever. They were going to a shop for christs sake. Why do celebrities have to look good on every occasion. What sort of role model looks perfect all the time? An unrealistic one.

Saying all this i hate how i look. I hate my legs the most, they are not overly huge i know, that could just not move so much when i walk and stuff. On my best day i'm okay with my general appearance. Perhaps if i didn't watch too much tv etc that i wouldn't think my legs would look better skinnier, and that i'd just accept them. Goes to show really. Everyone has insecurities.

I apologize this ramble.

There is no word in Italian for alcoholic.

I'm not sure what on earth i will write, i'm just happy i have such an urge to. They come not so often, but yet recently it's all i seem to do. But i love it. It makes me feel, like, i'm not sure, like this is my purpose. That one day i will actually be writing for an audience or something, that people will actually want to read what random crap i write. I love having this feeling, despite that fact that majority of the time, it comes out of sadness, i still like it.

I'm so very tired, but i can't sleep, i'm buzzed. Buzzed on possibilities, dreams and hopes. I want a family so much you see, and when i get bored or lonely, or try to sleep, i think of what my family might be like. I have never loved someone so much to actually picture what our children could look like, but right now, despite the crying. arguements and everything, i want a child with him so much. I want a family and a future with him so much. I close my eyes and i can just picture this little girl, why a girl im not sure for i have always wanted a boy first. But this little girl, with her brown, bushy hair thats moves so much when she runs. And she is running because i'm chasing her, playing a game, and she runs to her dad for protecting and it makes me so sad, that this event i picture so clearly, so vivid, might not ever happen. When i desire it.

I'm happy now thinking about it, but after this thought has been and gone i cry. I cry because things aren't right. And i want them to be. I want things to be how they were in the beginning. You know? All the hopes and feelings and what if and maybe's. I want those back, I want the ease and the happiness back. I'd settle for a fucking phone call for god's sake.

He's changed so much, he's so paranoid now, with no reason to be, drugs are pathetic. Can't stand it. Waste of money and time, and for what? To feel high? I understand on the real odd occasion, say if someones passing round a joint. But almost every night, it makes no sense. Fucking stupid. I feel stupid. I love him so much, but sometimes i think i'm in love with what we were, rather then what we are. Only sometimes. Cause there are times when i'm with him, and all i can think of is that i love him more then anything, that all i want to do is kiss this beautiful person and never stop, cause maybe it would make things how they were. Maybe.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

boredom.

I really hate having nothing to do.  I hate the fact that i actually do wait around for you, for you to be done seeing your friends, because, for some reason, you're not okay with seeing me AND you're friends at the same time. Therefore making the situation between us worse. Don't tell me you want to see me and then don't. Why would you not do something you want to do? Bullshit in all honesty. I just want to forget all this shit ever happened.

I sometimes fantasize about being in some sort of accident where i lose my memory, and everything between us is perfect again, because how could you not forgive someone who has no recollection of the series of events that has happened. It's pathetic.

People keep telling me that they're sad i'm unhappy all the time, that i deserve better and that this isn't love. Love doesn't make you feel like this. Love doesn't do this to a person. But now it's the point that all my options are going to end up me being unhappy. I'm unhappy now and this sadness isn't going to end. I'm just going to constantly be sad and maybe thats what i deserve, but i don't believe anyone should spend their life in sadness. But it seems i have no other option.

i'd phone you just to hear you breathe.

I wasn't planning to write another one of these things so quickly. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I pushed a lot of people away for someone i love. At first they didn't ask this is of me. But then as i screwed up they did. Its my own fault, not only for screwing up but letting this person tell me what to do, and me doing it. Me letting myself be taken in by this one person more then anyone else and giving them what they want. Giving them more of myself the more i screw up and hoping this will improve things. And now when i feel the need to talk, when i feel so desperately alone that all i have done is lay in my bed for hours, they are not there for me. They've chosen to go out. I feel like i have no one to blame but myself for letting myself become this isolated from everyone else. I could have chosen not to, but then to lose someone i love? I find that hard to comprehend.

I find it hard to understand why the person i love would take these things from me, seeming careless about the damage this is causing me, because all be mentions is the hurt i have caused him. The person i love doesn't want me to go to school. The person i love doesn't want me to speak to anyone, except him. I don't want to give this to him and i don't want to lose him. And yet i find myself making the decision to do this, for him. To be lonely and waiting for forgiveness from him. I'm sad he asks me to do this for him. For me to sacrifice my future, and ambitions. But can i not see why this is how things are? Well yes i can, but you are asking so much.

It already feels like i don't talk to anyone, that i don't do anything, already. How this would make a difference I'm not 100% clear.

The person i love doesn't believe me when i tell him i love him. He doesn't believe me when i tell me what i've done with my day, which is always infact, very little. He thinks i have cheated on him again. I have not.

 

He has so little trust in me, i don't know if this can be fixed. When will it start to get better? How, when i assume i am allowed to talk to people, will he find this? This fear he has will still be there, this doubt. It will have just been, pretty much ignored for however long. 

I have done some horrible things. I have cheated. I have lied, lies that make no sense. I want to be an honest person i, forgive the irony, honestly do, my lies are just ridiculous because they are so unneeded. And it's not necessarily lies, just not saying the truth, being deceitful i'm told. I'm told i'm evil. By this person.

 

But he loves me? An evil person who he thinks is selfish and has no heart, and little morals. Doesn't believe a word I say but he loves me. What is love in this case? I'm just so sad. I'm this play-thing for him, that he can call up when he has nothing to do or wants something and i would be there. But he can't do that for me. 

What the fuck am i doing.

First Post.

I feel I have always been a writer. I feel as that is one thing i could actually define myself and do not feel weird or ashamed in calling myself a writer. It is just something i do, something i have always done. Whether to capture my emotions, or to escape reality by writing a story down and being somewhere else other then the 4 walls i am in now.

I dont know why i started a blog in all honesty. I have no intention on telling anymore information about myself then i would write. I think i did it for the anonymity. I could have just written on paper and i still will, but i think its to do with the possibility that someone could read what i write and possibly care, possibly feel the same, possibly have advice, that i'd possibly provide advice. Maybe I could give someone a profound thought.

Writing feels like therapy for me. And i need a lot of help.