i'd phone you just to hear you breathe.

I wasn't planning to write another one of these things so quickly. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I pushed a lot of people away for someone i love. At first they didn't ask this is of me. But then as i screwed up they did. Its my own fault, not only for screwing up but letting this person tell me what to do, and me doing it. Me letting myself be taken in by this one person more then anyone else and giving them what they want. Giving them more of myself the more i screw up and hoping this will improve things. And now when i feel the need to talk, when i feel so desperately alone that all i have done is lay in my bed for hours, they are not there for me. They've chosen to go out. I feel like i have no one to blame but myself for letting myself become this isolated from everyone else. I could have chosen not to, but then to lose someone i love? I find that hard to comprehend.

I find it hard to understand why the person i love would take these things from me, seeming careless about the damage this is causing me, because all be mentions is the hurt i have caused him. The person i love doesn't want me to go to school. The person i love doesn't want me to speak to anyone, except him. I don't want to give this to him and i don't want to lose him. And yet i find myself making the decision to do this, for him. To be lonely and waiting for forgiveness from him. I'm sad he asks me to do this for him. For me to sacrifice my future, and ambitions. But can i not see why this is how things are? Well yes i can, but you are asking so much.

It already feels like i don't talk to anyone, that i don't do anything, already. How this would make a difference I'm not 100% clear.

The person i love doesn't believe me when i tell him i love him. He doesn't believe me when i tell me what i've done with my day, which is always infact, very little. He thinks i have cheated on him again. I have not.

 

He has so little trust in me, i don't know if this can be fixed. When will it start to get better? How, when i assume i am allowed to talk to people, will he find this? This fear he has will still be there, this doubt. It will have just been, pretty much ignored for however long. 

I have done some horrible things. I have cheated. I have lied, lies that make no sense. I want to be an honest person i, forgive the irony, honestly do, my lies are just ridiculous because they are so unneeded. And it's not necessarily lies, just not saying the truth, being deceitful i'm told. I'm told i'm evil. By this person.

 

But he loves me? An evil person who he thinks is selfish and has no heart, and little morals. Doesn't believe a word I say but he loves me. What is love in this case? I'm just so sad. I'm this play-thing for him, that he can call up when he has nothing to do or wants something and i would be there. But he can't do that for me. 

What the fuck am i doing.