There is no word in Italian for alcoholic.

I'm not sure what on earth i will write, i'm just happy i have such an urge to. They come not so often, but yet recently it's all i seem to do. But i love it. It makes me feel, like, i'm not sure, like this is my purpose. That one day i will actually be writing for an audience or something, that people will actually want to read what random crap i write. I love having this feeling, despite that fact that majority of the time, it comes out of sadness, i still like it.

I'm so very tired, but i can't sleep, i'm buzzed. Buzzed on possibilities, dreams and hopes. I want a family so much you see, and when i get bored or lonely, or try to sleep, i think of what my family might be like. I have never loved someone so much to actually picture what our children could look like, but right now, despite the crying. arguements and everything, i want a child with him so much. I want a family and a future with him so much. I close my eyes and i can just picture this little girl, why a girl im not sure for i have always wanted a boy first. But this little girl, with her brown, bushy hair thats moves so much when she runs. And she is running because i'm chasing her, playing a game, and she runs to her dad for protecting and it makes me so sad, that this event i picture so clearly, so vivid, might not ever happen. When i desire it.

I'm happy now thinking about it, but after this thought has been and gone i cry. I cry because things aren't right. And i want them to be. I want things to be how they were in the beginning. You know? All the hopes and feelings and what if and maybe's. I want those back, I want the ease and the happiness back. I'd settle for a fucking phone call for god's sake.

He's changed so much, he's so paranoid now, with no reason to be, drugs are pathetic. Can't stand it. Waste of money and time, and for what? To feel high? I understand on the real odd occasion, say if someones passing round a joint. But almost every night, it makes no sense. Fucking stupid. I feel stupid. I love him so much, but sometimes i think i'm in love with what we were, rather then what we are. Only sometimes. Cause there are times when i'm with him, and all i can think of is that i love him more then anything, that all i want to do is kiss this beautiful person and never stop, cause maybe it would make things how they were. Maybe.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."