personal statements

Alot of people at my school are getting real worked up about personal statements and applying to uni's. Not doing it on time and what not, finding it hard to write. Seems to me that if you're really passionate about something the words would come easily. They should just flow. Kinda glad I don't have to worry about this for another year tho. Because aside form all that, I have no idea what i want to do. I got 3 options. English, Film and Law.

I simply adore English and everything to do with it, but recently i've been thinking that it's becoming repetitive and mundane. I don't really need English if i did want to be a journalist or w.e. i could work my way up, but then i'd like to be a teacher.

I've always been interested in law. i dont know why, but i just seem to get it. and i think it would be pretty awesome to be a lawyer.

But film. I have completely fallen in love with at college. I adore it, and i used to want to be like,m a tech person, and now i want to do that even more. I'm looking into film schools atm, and it seems amazing.

So who knows what im gonna be doing. Luckily i got a year to decide.

I got a shit load of work to do for half-term tho. Maybe i shouldn't be writing on here...

idk

i don't like it when you cry.

and you don't have a reason.

but you have this look about you.

that suggests i should know.

i wish i could make you better.

and not feel so alone.

i fear i am inadequate to do so.

it hurts when you're sad.

because there is always the chance it is because of me.

and i can't change the past.

e-mails.

On the plus side.

My film teacher has e-mailed me. A few times.

And just, hmm, idk.

I really hope this isn't just me thinking this is something more, i mean i know he's a teacher and all, but he's really not that much older then me, like 5 years most. 

Maybe I am infatuated cause i just have mental problems.

Maybe I should have carried on taking my tablets, but you see i don't want to be dependant on tablets and shit, i just think i need counselling. Maybe i should get this sorted out.

I'm starting to go through the daydreams now, and I'm seriously dreading half term in 2 weeks. 

I really need to sort myself out. 

The only bad thing about it is he is my teacher. If he wasnt, he'd just be some guy, well not some guy, but not this forbidden love kinda thing.  Not that it is love, just saying. It would all be nice and dandy, if say he was a student and what not. It just so happens he is a teacher. 

WHY IS HE MY TEACHER. WHY WHY WHY?!

ahh ramble, but why? I mean he is really really cute. Like not necessary hot, just cute, but idk. And he has brown eyes, i'm a sucker for brown eyes. I have never liked someone, with a few tv exceptions without brown eyes. And he has nice hair, and he likes films, and he's in a band but doesn't want to sign to a label cause he likes teaching, and i want to be a teacher. And we both moved out at 16. And he compliments me, every time i see him. I mean teachers don't usually compliment students on t-shirts/hair colour/laugh do they? My laugh for godsake! I snort when i laugh, but he says he loves my laugh. And said he was thinking of films to lend me the the other night. Do you know what that means? HE WAS THINKING ABOUT ME AT NIGHT. WHEN IM NOT EVEN THERE!

Fuck my life. 

And i'm meant to be in love with my bf whos not. But i mean, we have serious issues atm, and I have no idea what is going to happen, i mean maybe this whole crush thing is just me putting my emotions on to an actual person who i see more regularly. You know? Maybe that's just it, cause things right now are bad and i get complimented rather then told i make someone suicidal. I'm human so maybe i just like the attention. 

Why can't things in my life ever run smoothly.

sidney. xxx

today was my grandfathers funeral.

i wish i knew him more, i wish i knew him when he was younger.

today, despite the tears, was an awe-inspiring. 

today, in church, as they closed the curtain. we started to sing 'my way' by frank sinatra. 

as you may have noticed, i quoted that song before.

so there we are, me, my dad, my cousin, my aunt and my nan. singing along to that song as it plays.

it was heartbreaking. but in a good way.

it filled my chest with pride for being part of this family, sadness at the loss, and hope in so much, it is so unexplainable. 

In that moment of bleakness. despair. i was smiling.

my grandfathers name is not sidney, that is his middle name, something i did not know. i did not know he liked frank sinatra either, i did not know he liked photography. there are so many things i never found out.

i hope i dont make this mistake with anyone again. 

this is the poem from the funeral.

Remember me when I am gone away.
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand.
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me: you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had.
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than you should remember and be sad.

heart strings.

do you ever get that feeling when you really miss someone, and it physically hurts in your chest?

well i have that right now but im not sure if its because of the bf...or my film teacher.

im dead serious.

this is not cool, i dont know what to do, cause i mean, nothing could seriously come from my feelings with my film teacher. its just not going to happen. at least not in the real world. 

im pretty frustrated atm

i was meant to be seeing the bf tonight, i had it planned a week ago and now hes with his friends.

im not actually surprised.

i shall phone him now.....

eeks.

Soooo.

Things are good then bad. 

College is awesome, i'm acing everything (:

Things with the le bf, or w.e he is, idk, they are getting there. Somethings went down badly, and just yeah, hopefully thats all sorted now.

I'm annoyed cause some girl owes me money from like 4 months ago when she really needed it, but now when i need it, she STILL cant give it back to me.

Last week my grandad had a heart attack, was in hospital and on wednesday evening he passed.

His funeral is tomorrow. 

Stuff with work is shit, cause they were really inconsiderate about me having time off for the funeral, and saying it was an inconvenience. well sorry. im sure he didnt plan it. fuck sake.

erm so i guess the main new thing is that i am actually completely infatuated with my film teacher.

and i'll be honest. i don't think it's 100% unrequited, but then that could just be wishful thinking.

Reasons it is not unrequited.

1. He repeatedly says im cool.

2. He says he likes my hair. this has also been repeated.

3. We talk about stuff like that he was in a band, and stuff non associated with school

4. When we were talking about videos and such, he forgot and then said i should email him or send a message on facebook with the links. AND then messaged me back like straight away, once again saying i was cool. WITH A SMILEY FACE

5. He says i am good at film. To other teachers i dont even have.

6. He said he will take me to the secret smoking area. FOR TEACHERS.

Reason it is unrequited.

1. He is my film teacher and i am his student. 

2. hmmmm

This is very bad, like really bad, cause even if he wasnt my teacher, id still like him, i get butterflies for godsake. like REAL bad. right now as a matter of fact.

:'(

what do i doooo..

ANYWAYS im sure this will pass.

hopefully.

Dont know what to do with myself right now. i have no work to do. sam i guess is still asleep.

we were meant to go to the cinema and then last night saying he has a free house and we should maybe watch a film there. but i really wanted to go out, act normal for once, and i am so sure if we stay in, his friends will come round and start smoking and im just sick of it now. 

well i better be off out now i wanna get some hair dye and possibly something for the funeral.

isabella. x

Ode to Film Teacher

oh film teacher.

i find myself thinking of reasons to talk to you.

is this all in my head?

probably.

i am, after all, infatuated.

stupid stupid stupid.