There is no word in Italian for alcoholic.

I'm not sure what on earth i will write, i'm just happy i have such an urge to. They come not so often, but yet recently it's all i seem to do. But i love it. It makes me feel, like, i'm not sure, like this is my purpose. That one day i will actually be writing for an audience or something, that people will actually want to read what random crap i write. I love having this feeling, despite that fact that majority of the time, it comes out of sadness, i still like it.

I'm so very tired, but i can't sleep, i'm buzzed. Buzzed on possibilities, dreams and hopes. I want a family so much you see, and when i get bored or lonely, or try to sleep, i think of what my family might be like. I have never loved someone so much to actually picture what our children could look like, but right now, despite the crying. arguements and everything, i want a child with him so much. I want a family and a future with him so much. I close my eyes and i can just picture this little girl, why a girl im not sure for i have always wanted a boy first. But this little girl, with her brown, bushy hair thats moves so much when she runs. And she is running because i'm chasing her, playing a game, and she runs to her dad for protecting and it makes me so sad, that this event i picture so clearly, so vivid, might not ever happen. When i desire it.

I'm happy now thinking about it, but after this thought has been and gone i cry. I cry because things aren't right. And i want them to be. I want things to be how they were in the beginning. You know? All the hopes and feelings and what if and maybe's. I want those back, I want the ease and the happiness back. I'd settle for a fucking phone call for god's sake.

He's changed so much, he's so paranoid now, with no reason to be, drugs are pathetic. Can't stand it. Waste of money and time, and for what? To feel high? I understand on the real odd occasion, say if someones passing round a joint. But almost every night, it makes no sense. Fucking stupid. I feel stupid. I love him so much, but sometimes i think i'm in love with what we were, rather then what we are. Only sometimes. Cause there are times when i'm with him, and all i can think of is that i love him more then anything, that all i want to do is kiss this beautiful person and never stop, cause maybe it would make things how they were. Maybe.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

boredom.

I really hate having nothing to do.  I hate the fact that i actually do wait around for you, for you to be done seeing your friends, because, for some reason, you're not okay with seeing me AND you're friends at the same time. Therefore making the situation between us worse. Don't tell me you want to see me and then don't. Why would you not do something you want to do? Bullshit in all honesty. I just want to forget all this shit ever happened.

I sometimes fantasize about being in some sort of accident where i lose my memory, and everything between us is perfect again, because how could you not forgive someone who has no recollection of the series of events that has happened. It's pathetic.

People keep telling me that they're sad i'm unhappy all the time, that i deserve better and that this isn't love. Love doesn't make you feel like this. Love doesn't do this to a person. But now it's the point that all my options are going to end up me being unhappy. I'm unhappy now and this sadness isn't going to end. I'm just going to constantly be sad and maybe thats what i deserve, but i don't believe anyone should spend their life in sadness. But it seems i have no other option.

i'd phone you just to hear you breathe.

I wasn't planning to write another one of these things so quickly. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I pushed a lot of people away for someone i love. At first they didn't ask this is of me. But then as i screwed up they did. Its my own fault, not only for screwing up but letting this person tell me what to do, and me doing it. Me letting myself be taken in by this one person more then anyone else and giving them what they want. Giving them more of myself the more i screw up and hoping this will improve things. And now when i feel the need to talk, when i feel so desperately alone that all i have done is lay in my bed for hours, they are not there for me. They've chosen to go out. I feel like i have no one to blame but myself for letting myself become this isolated from everyone else. I could have chosen not to, but then to lose someone i love? I find that hard to comprehend.

I find it hard to understand why the person i love would take these things from me, seeming careless about the damage this is causing me, because all be mentions is the hurt i have caused him. The person i love doesn't want me to go to school. The person i love doesn't want me to speak to anyone, except him. I don't want to give this to him and i don't want to lose him. And yet i find myself making the decision to do this, for him. To be lonely and waiting for forgiveness from him. I'm sad he asks me to do this for him. For me to sacrifice my future, and ambitions. But can i not see why this is how things are? Well yes i can, but you are asking so much.

It already feels like i don't talk to anyone, that i don't do anything, already. How this would make a difference I'm not 100% clear.

The person i love doesn't believe me when i tell him i love him. He doesn't believe me when i tell me what i've done with my day, which is always infact, very little. He thinks i have cheated on him again. I have not.

 

He has so little trust in me, i don't know if this can be fixed. When will it start to get better? How, when i assume i am allowed to talk to people, will he find this? This fear he has will still be there, this doubt. It will have just been, pretty much ignored for however long. 

I have done some horrible things. I have cheated. I have lied, lies that make no sense. I want to be an honest person i, forgive the irony, honestly do, my lies are just ridiculous because they are so unneeded. And it's not necessarily lies, just not saying the truth, being deceitful i'm told. I'm told i'm evil. By this person.

 

But he loves me? An evil person who he thinks is selfish and has no heart, and little morals. Doesn't believe a word I say but he loves me. What is love in this case? I'm just so sad. I'm this play-thing for him, that he can call up when he has nothing to do or wants something and i would be there. But he can't do that for me. 

What the fuck am i doing.

First Post.

I feel I have always been a writer. I feel as that is one thing i could actually define myself and do not feel weird or ashamed in calling myself a writer. It is just something i do, something i have always done. Whether to capture my emotions, or to escape reality by writing a story down and being somewhere else other then the 4 walls i am in now.

I dont know why i started a blog in all honesty. I have no intention on telling anymore information about myself then i would write. I think i did it for the anonymity. I could have just written on paper and i still will, but i think its to do with the possibility that someone could read what i write and possibly care, possibly feel the same, possibly have advice, that i'd possibly provide advice. Maybe I could give someone a profound thought.

Writing feels like therapy for me. And i need a lot of help.