Posse avere tu?

My mind is in a weird place. I feel so odd, so detached from myself. Like i'm looking into my own life. I'm feeling less emotions, partly through conscious choice because i do not want to feel pain anymore. And also i think, subconsciously, as a means of survival. Because if i continued feeling so much hurt and pain i could kill myself, I already feel as if i'm on a path of self-destruction. Never content, so i cause chaos in my life. I injure myself to actually feel something other the this sadness. It gives me something to concentrate on.

I'm quite self loathing. I attack my hands, the one thing i feel content with, because they feel useful to me and i attack them, i cut them, i burn them. I have so many scars on my hands and knuckles.

I feel pathetic, but at the same time disconnected. It's so weird. To have these feelings and yet at the same time feel..like i'm floating that these are nothing, just flecks of dust. It is why i am feeling so odd.

He said we could probably go to the cinema tomorrow night. I don't even know why, and then he seems annoyed with me for working. And i cannot help but think 'fuck you'. I invited him out and he choses not to. I would love to see him tomorrow night. I have had the last 2 days off and you chose to see me when i'm working? I say so many times that i can't be bothered but i still try. Is this what true love is? Never giving up for no other reason then love. I hate love. And i'm just a hopeless romantic who can't help be in it.