some new things.

hellllooo.

I have been away for a long time, just been avoiding the computer i guess, except for ebay and play.com and other retail outlets. Which i'm beginning to think is a problem, considering i spent £45 on 2 tops from river island today. i mean they are nice and all, like real nice, i just usually wouldn't be so frivolous with my spending. 

So i guess the biggest news would be that i'm at college. after months and times of arguing the bf. said he wanted me to go, because well, long story short, i am now clinically depressed and tried to kill myself. Not so good. And technically speaking, he's not my bf, cause he broke up with me. But well, it still feels like he is and its complicated but basically i have to just be a better person and sort shit out. 

Even though i know it is not 100% my fault, alot of it. I don't want to lose him and he made a huge like. gamble i guess by letting me go to college, and that sounds weird probably, that he let me go, but i wouldn't have gone if he didn't want me to.  I'm just really happy he did. 

Because i do love it. I just love learning i really do. 

Have nothing else really to mention. I'm just kinda bored. Procrastinating. Felt bad i hadn't written.

Toodles.

Regrets.

I've had few.

But then again, too few too mention.

I'm sat drinking hot chocolate right now, which is odd, cause i don't really like it, and i think the only reason i drink it so rarely is to reaffirm the fact i don't like it.

I've had a weird day. I actually went to college. Like after all the drama and shit about me going i went in today. And the whole time i felt guilty as sin for doing so. All because i didn't ask him if he would mind.

Doesn't really feel right, that i should feel guilty does it?
I mean, all i did was go pick up a bus pass. But still. Guilty.

I tried to talk to him about it yesterday and he said we'd talk about it today. We never did.
He's with his friends. I'm not surprised anymore, i just wish i didn't feel sad about it.

So thinking about this, made me think of things i actually want to do in life, like, to me, i don't want a career, or like a career that is more important then say, a family. So to me, a job is a way to pay for other things. But anyways, i'd like to travel. I've always wanted to travel and just see the world for what it is. I want to go to China and Japan. I love their histories. Ancient histories. The tales and battles that were fought, i don't know how to describe it, i guess it's...passion? A raw passion for no reason really. I'd like to visit Thailand, someone told me about it and i've wanted to go ever since, see all the escape tunnels and things. I'd LOVE to go to America, maybe i watch too much tv but i want to live there. Or Canada. Those are the main places i want to visit. I'd like to go on a road trip too, around europe.

I'd like to learn to sign as well, as in sign language, i remember at my first first school, we had like 4 deaf people, and for the hymns we would do the signs for them. So i'd like to learn that again. I'd like to speak fluent spanish and italian. However the latter will be harder to achieve, unless i find classes. I would like to learn chinese, i don't think this is a realistic option though. They pretty much have 2 languages, one for speaking one for reading.

I'd like to take a mechanics course, i'm not sure why but i'd love to be able to fix my own car. I'd like to be published. In a newspaper or magazine. Anything.

I think, the thing i would like to achieve most out of life however, is a family, but this has now become a dream, something that i have come to believe will not happen.
I wanted so many kids, at least 3, and to just raise them good, have someone i love, and who loves me to raise them with me. I have his person who i saw this with. And now, after the thing's he has said to me, I no longer want  children. I do not believe I deserve them, and i'm starting to think i can't have them, even if i did for all the terrible things i have done.

So. Maybe now, i will do everything else i dream of doing, just to keep myself busy until this idea of children leaves my head. It's a hopeless task.

And more, much more than this,

I did it my way.

breathing is the hardest thing to do.

I'm so sad and alone right now, i have no idea why, just this huge wave hit me, so i phoned him up and wanted to talk to him, and he told me to ring him later, so i said ok. Then i phoned him again and just blurted out that i wanted to talk to him, right now, that i just felt so lonely, and suddenly i was crying. He told me to come round, that he'd get his friends to leave. Cause you see, he won't hang around with me AND his friends. For whatever reason. So for a brief second i thought i'd see him, but then i remembered his nature. I know it's not gonna happen, he won't call me back. And if he does? Then i'll tell him how surprised i am. So now, after my outburst, after not crying for a few days, cause everything feels numb. It hit's me that nothing's going to change. But yet i still wait around for him, i still make the effort. I'm just hurting myself really.

So in other news, my dad moved abroad today, it's some investment job. I won't see him 'til christmas. I'm kinda sad, but then, things with my dad have never been great, so at the same time its this huge relief i guess. One of the last things he said was that he swears on my brothers life that he doesn't care about me. Maybe that will gave you some idea on how we are. hmm.

I had a kinda half day dream half sleep dream today in the car, I won the lottery. Now i'm not someone that does the lottery nor believe in it, so it was kinda a weird surprise to be thinking about it. But anyways, i won like 7.2 million pounds. I can't be bothered to go into detail but i ended up in new york city in autumn waiting at the airport, waiting for him. Kinda sad now i think about it, that i'm daydreaming about waiting for him. I really am pathetic, no wonder he doesn't call.

Posse avere tu?

My mind is in a weird place. I feel so odd, so detached from myself. Like i'm looking into my own life. I'm feeling less emotions, partly through conscious choice because i do not want to feel pain anymore. And also i think, subconsciously, as a means of survival. Because if i continued feeling so much hurt and pain i could kill myself, I already feel as if i'm on a path of self-destruction. Never content, so i cause chaos in my life. I injure myself to actually feel something other the this sadness. It gives me something to concentrate on.

I'm quite self loathing. I attack my hands, the one thing i feel content with, because they feel useful to me and i attack them, i cut them, i burn them. I have so many scars on my hands and knuckles.

I feel pathetic, but at the same time disconnected. It's so weird. To have these feelings and yet at the same time feel..like i'm floating that these are nothing, just flecks of dust. It is why i am feeling so odd.

He said we could probably go to the cinema tomorrow night. I don't even know why, and then he seems annoyed with me for working. And i cannot help but think 'fuck you'. I invited him out and he choses not to. I would love to see him tomorrow night. I have had the last 2 days off and you chose to see me when i'm working? I say so many times that i can't be bothered but i still try. Is this what true love is? Never giving up for no other reason then love. I hate love. And i'm just a hopeless romantic who can't help be in it.

And none for Gretchen Wieners.

So I just watched Mean Girls again for like the 30th time. And it just got be thinking about beauty. Or what is perceived as beautiful. Take for instance, Lindsey Lohan. I think she looks amazing in that movie and why? Cause when shes dancing to jingle bell rock in the outfit, her shirt lifts up and you can see, to be frank, a bit of a belly. A bit. Not a flat stomach, a small belly. It looks sexy. She has curves in this movie but for some reason, she started losing weight, i have no idea why. But she doesn't look good. No girl looks good when you can see bones protruding out at odd angles.

Magazines like Teen Vogue make me laugh about how they had articles about anorexia, but look at the images of girls they show. Stick thin models. How are young impressionable girls meant to feel when they see these images, pretty much in any womens/girls magazine. That this is normal? This is beauty? It's quite sickening really.

In victorian times if you were large it was a sign of wealth. Big hips were a sign of child bearing. If you were skinny you were too poor. And now it's the opposite. If someone is overweight, most newspapers will say the cause of this is cheap junk food and poor education about diet.

But you'll find that there is no law making fruit and vegetables free to all schools, or gym memberships made compulsory to obese people seeking medical help. Instead surgery is used. I think it's called a gastric bypass, where they make your intestines or stomach smaller, so you can't eat as much. Some people get liposuction. These methods are just final straws really. The last resort. When really, we should be preventing this in the first place.

I'm not saying being over-weight and ugly are the same. But there is a line between being naturally large and being unhealthy. If that makes sense. Let's say Marilyn Monroe. She was a size 16 and deemed one of the most beautiful women ever, and she was probably healthy.

I guess i'm trying to say is, what is beauty? I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That ridiculously skinny girls that obviously aren't naturally that skinny need to stop obsessing over there weight and just be happy, eat what they like, in moderation. That the media needs to stop obsessing over looks, headling likes so and so is out wearing something stupid? Who cares why they were wearing whatever. They were going to a shop for christs sake. Why do celebrities have to look good on every occasion. What sort of role model looks perfect all the time? An unrealistic one.

Saying all this i hate how i look. I hate my legs the most, they are not overly huge i know, that could just not move so much when i walk and stuff. On my best day i'm okay with my general appearance. Perhaps if i didn't watch too much tv etc that i wouldn't think my legs would look better skinnier, and that i'd just accept them. Goes to show really. Everyone has insecurities.

I apologize this ramble.